Satire
For decades, demographic studies have indicated the steady decline of religion in America, but new measures suggest at least one religion in America is alive and well.
By Heather Smith
November 10, 2017
For decades, demographic studies have indicated the steady decline of religion in America, but new measures suggest that, on the contrary, at least one religion in America is alive and well, thriving in every community, and claiming devoted adherents in nearly every household.
This new religious revival has remained under the radar in large part because its adherents do not claim any religious attachment to this social institution, but by every measure of behaviors typically associated with religion, it is deceitful to label it as anything less. Although it shies away from adopting an overarching organization or name for itself, for the purposes of this study, it will be considered under the name Athletica.
What must first impress outsiders studying the life of Athletica is how wholehearted is the devotion of its followers. These disciples are willing to sacrifice almost limitlessly where their dedication to this faith is concerned. Money, time, health, and even family may all be expended for the sake of bettering oneself within Athletica, and it is no exaggeration to say its members orient their lives around the strictures of their religion’s demands.
Forget One Service For Week. We Have Daily Meetings
Whereas in traditional American Christianity followers would regularly meet together once or twice a week (a timetable most now find unduly onerous), members of Athletica gather four, five, six, or even seven days a week. Despite the significant time demands, the families of adherents dutifully and unflinchingly keep these meeting commitments and accept as normal the stringent penalties imparted to those who miss a gathering—penalties usually enacted by limiting the devotee’s rights of participation in important group ceremonies.
Nor are the youngest members of Athletica uninitiated in their family’s devotion. Athletica parents regularly begin teaching their children its basic skills as soon as they are able to toddle, and some begin their benevolent indoctrination well before that by dressing their infants in tiny versions of the liturgical vestments. By age four or five, their parents have already catechized most of these youngsters in the basic tenets of Athletica, though this pious education will continue to deepen through daily family conversations, oral and written retellings of important historical moments in Athletica, and inclusion in the essential Athletica ceremonies.
Eager young zealots of elementary age and upward often relish memorizing not only the many Athletica rules, but also masses of historical information about specific persons and events. Although it is hard to believe such memorization would be undertaken voluntarily, there is no trace of a “drill and kill” mentality about this phenomenon. These youngsters apparently love this imparted faith enough that they simply cannot help trying to absorb everything about it that they can, and they especially find pleasure in learning of the great heroes of Athletica’s past, whom they inevitably long to emulate.
Start ‘Em Young for Optimal Results
